Oxytocin [by Amadeuz Christ]

The other day I was reading something online…and it was describing a chemical that a woman releases only three times in her lifetime, during childbirth, during breast-feeding, and during sex. This chemical is called Oxytocin and its purpose is to act as an unbreakable emotional bond, eternally bonding the woman to her partner…forever.

…and I began to think about you.

Not that I have ever stopped thinking about you, but upon reading this my heart began to feel very heavy, and the unbearable weight of guilt and regret became almost too much to carry.

Someone once told me a story me a story about a man who died and went before God for his life review. In this review he saw his life from the perspective of the other people, the people who he had hurt, and for the first time he became aware of his own actions. When he was brought back to life, he said, his perspective on life had forever been altered.

…and I began to think about you.

I began to think about how you would view me, from your eyes, in the event that I had been given a life review, and I began to feel ashamed. Ashamed that I could have hurt you, that I could have broken your spirit, ruined your heart and hindered your ability to trust it again. I took from you and although it was in good intention, I left you with nothing in return but broken promises of what could have been, had I been mature enough at the time to appreciate you.

I think about whether or not you still think of me…and if you do, how you must be plagued by the inception of that memory, still pained by what I made you to believe to be your failure. I was blind to your fragility and thought because I knew that no one could touch you like I could, that my expressing my love in physical form would suffice. I was wrong.

I thought because of who I was, because of what you saw in me, that you would look past my faults and simply “deal” with me. I was wrong. I was a hand that you should have not been dealt,  and this haunts me every second of every day that passes. I realize now how easy it is for us men to take, and to make excuses for never giving…but this is not the mentality of a man…it is that of a boy.

I am working on my faults, my anger, my thoughtlessness…I am working to become a better person so that, if we ever meet again, I can show you how much I have changed…

…so I can say to you….look at what you did.

You have made me into a man.

Thank you and…

I’m sorry.

– Amadeuz

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